Yuku free message boards

Ok, here it is, unedited so be nice.

Prologue

1996-New York

One year. One full year of hunting the psychopath known only as "The Forsaken" and now it seemed like it would all fall apart. Special Agent Gabriel Vaughn and his partner Special Agent Jorge Vega sat drinking in a cheap hotel room outside of Manhattan. It had been a long, hot day and ended in disaster. Agent Vega had revealed that the evidence that led them to New York had been faked. He needed a reason for the investigation to come here and that was the only way he could make the A.D.A listen.
The pressure had been on the Bureau the last 3 months to bring "The Forsaken" down. 24 victims in one year and they had nothing. Even Gabriel, one of the best Agents working for the National Center for the Analysis of Violent Crime, or NCAVC, was on the verge of breaking down. Vega was positive that there would be a solid lead here in Manhattan. It wasn't. There had been a heated argument that nearly led to blows when the A.D.A found out what had really transpired to get them here and how they had failed. Vaughn and Vega made their way to this dive hotel and now sat drinking it all away.
"Don't worry about it, V." said Gabriel, downing the last of his Black Label.
"You just dont' get it, Gabe, this is my career. I could lose my job over this. I was so fucking sure I had something." Vega responded, his voice flat and defeated.
"For what it'w worth, amigo, I think you are onto something. If it hadn't been for that ass, Chapel, blowing things up for us, we would have had more time to poke around."
Vega emptied his glass then refilled and emptied that too. He looked at Gabriel for a long silent moment. "Well, Gabe. It's been a long day, you'd probably like to get some rest. I'll see you around, eh?"
Gabriel didn't respond, just watched as his partner of 4 years rose from his seat and walked to the door. Vega stopped, turned back to Gabriel, he smiled. Then in one continuous motion drew his weapon and shot himself through the temple. The side of Vegas head blew open, brains and blood showering the wall and parts of the room. Vaughn didn't move, he just watched as Vega fell to the floor. Vaughn looked at the table beside him where his cell phone, empty glass, and whiskey bottle sat side by side. He looked back at Vega's lifeless body crumpled on the floor. Vaughn reached over, filled his glass and drank.

Ok, what does everyone think of this. It is a premise and possibly the Prologue to a Fantasy novel I'm contemplating. Not sure if this is the revised version or not, and I am too lazy to check right now.

I am Prius Omega, last of the Keepers of The Way. The Keepers of The Way protected what they believed to be a birthright. They called their belief The Way. The Way of justice, The Way of truth, The Way of discipline. I came to them at the age of three, still a babe in the eyes of most people. From day one I was taught that I would one day help save the world from a great evil.
There were twenty four of us in all. The students of The Way. We were each given the name Prius and a surname. I was called Prius Omega, there was also Prius Alpha, Prius Beta, Prius Gamma, and on down the list. We were all between the ages of three and five when we were brought to the Temple of The Way. We were brought there to learn The Way, so that one day we could rid the world of an ancient evil known as the Silver Dawn. The Silver Dawn, as we were taught was an order of warrior psions. They abused the power of The Way and had to be stopped.
As we learned, we all possessed the power of The Way. That is why we were chosen and brought to the Temple. For the next thirteen years, I trained daily. Side by side with my Brothers and Sisters, I trained my mind to be open to The Way. Trained to be worthy of the gift granted me by The Way. Our minds were honed daily, The Way allowed to flow through us. For thirteen years, we learned the true power of The Way. We became as Gods. Along with how to harness and use the power, we were taught how to live to better serve The Way. First they taught us discipline. Next they taught us our spiritual order. Then they taught us control.
I stood and watched as The Temple of the Way burned. For thirteen years I lived within those walls, along with my twenty three Brothers and Sisters. The Priests of The Way had given us a home, a life. They had taught us to channel the power of The Way, to harness the power of the mind. They showed us that we were better than all the races of Arn. I stood alone on the field as the Temple of The Way burned, as my Brothers and Sisters burned. I watched as the Priests who had raised me from the age of three burned. I was powerless to stop it. I could have run in to try to save some of them, but the Priests had taught me control. I knew I would die as well if I entered, so I stood and felt them die.

My name is Keln, the only survivor of The Keepers of The Way. The Keepers of The Way were a religious order. They worshipped what they called The Way. The Way of justice, The Way of truth, The Way of discipline. They took me from my family at the age of three, still a babe in the eyes of most people. From day one, I was taught to serve a great evil.
There were twenty four of us in all. The students of The Way. We were each stripped of our true names and renamed according to the rites of The Way. I was called Prius Omega, , there was also Prius Alpha, Prius Beta, Prius Gamma, and on down the list. We were all between the ages of three and five when we were taken from our families and brought to the Temple of The Way. We were brought there and brainwashed to serve The Way, so that one day we could destroy the Silver Dawn. The Silver Dawn is an order of warrior psions. They honed and used their abilities to protect the world from evils such as The Keepers of The Way.
As we discovered, we each possessed psionic ability. That is why we were chosen and brought to the Temple of The Way. For the next thirteen years, I was trained daily. Through emotional and physical abuse we learned to hone our psychic abilities. Side by side with the other children, I was tortured daily to open my mind to the power. Trained to open my mind to the full strength of my psionic abilities. Our minds were raped daily, the power forced through us. For thirteen years we learned the true evil of The Way. We became as leashed dogs. Along with how to harness and use the power, we were taught to be obedient and to be slaves to The Way. First they stole our freedom. Next they stole our identities. Then they stole our humanity.
I stood and watched as the Temple of The Way burned. For thirteen years I was a prisoner inside those walls, along with twenty three other lost souls. The Priests of the Way had taken us from our homes and stolen our lives. They trained us to harness the power of The Way, and to harness the power of our minds. They forced us to become less than any of the races of Arn. I stood alone on the field as the Temple of The Way burned, as the other Prius' burned. I watched as the Priests who had robbed me of my life burned. I did not care to stop it. I could have run in to try to save some of them, but the Priests had destroyed my conscience. I never intended to go back when I started the fire, so I stood and felt them die.
After that day, after my emancipation from The Way, I sought out the family I had been stolen from thirteen years ago. Two years later, I found them. Two days after they were found, Prius Omega stood, once more, before a burning house. He stood and watched as the flames consumed the structure and the family that lived inside. He watched as the family, who had so graciously given him to The Way, so that he could fight the evil of the Silver Dawn, were consumed by the flames of deliverance.
Keln stood before the same burning house. He stood and watched as the fire destroyed the house and the family that lived inside. He watched as the family, who had sold him to The Way for five hundred gold crowns and ten acres of land, were destroyed by the fires of vengeance.
I am Prius Omega. I am Keln. I was born to human parents, but became something beyond human. The Priests of The Way took my humanity and cast it aside while my body was caged and my mind reformed. In my time in this life I have committed many cruel and perceivably evil acts. I am just as much a victim as those I have hurt. Do not blame Keln for the acts of Prius Omega, he never had the chance to be anything other than what he became. Do not blame Prius Omega for Keln's lack of remorse, for he never learned how to feel.

Wow Von, that was awesome. I was glued to the pc reading your story. Forgot it wasn't a book I was holding. This book will be great. Poor kid. He was robbed of life. I love it Von.

It's a "edge of your seat" story.

wow, thanks lizz. that encourages me to get crackin'. The Prius one I can do faster, no research needed for that. And poor kid is right. As for the Forsaken story, still interviewing a couple of people before I can continue. Mabye I'll have a chapter for you guys on my Prius Story tomorrow.

I'll have something new by Sunday Night, I promise

For those that were waiting, sorry this is so short, but I'm going to the mountains today. Here is a teaser of Part 1 for ya.

At the age of Eighteen, Prius Omega had left his mark in the world. Thirty four people were dead in his wake. With the help of Keln he had freed himself from a muderous cult and killed the parents who had sold him to them. Not bad for two years work. Six months ago Prius and Keln stood and watched as the parents who had given them up at the tender age of three burned. Since then they had wondered, staying at roadside inns and using their psionic powers to get by. The cult, that had imprisoned Keln and created Prius, had ingrained in them a truly special gift. It had awakened in Prius/Keln a tremendous well of psionic power. Never in the history of the world of Arn had a human posessed such power.
The power. The Way, as it had been called by the cult. That is what led Prius to where he now stood. He looked around himself at the people of this small port town of Tinara. Tinara was the only port of trade in the frozen northern land of Almea, a sparsely populated country. Home primarily to humans and the powerful, towering race of men known as Titans, Almea was blanketed year round in snow. More than that, however, it was rumored to be the home of the the Silver Dawn. Psionic Warriors, the Silver Dawn was only a myth to most people outside of Almea. Even here, in it's port town, nobody could ever recall if they had ever met one of the order. Though inevitably somebody always knew a guy who knew a guy that had met one.
Prius straightened his ankle length, fur-lined coat and tightened it around his waist. Pulling the hood over his shaved head, he proceeded into the city.

Good evening one and all. An update I have two torn bulging discs in my lumbar spine. Big ouch. My doctor and I are both quite unhappy with the neurosurgeon. My doc said Saturday that I could call and make the appointemnt myself, and due to the nature of the injury most likely be seen today. Well, the Neurosurgeon said Nope. I could not make the appt. MY doc had to call and make it. ON top of that, despite the widening tear in my discs, they won't see me until OCTOBER!!! Too booked up they say. My doc was sore pissed at them. Me too. But c'est la vie. So October 18, barring some worsening of my back I will be off to see the neurosurgeon to find out what comes next. Hopefully not too much. And damnit all, I still forgot to ask what I could do about the Sacet Deteriorating Disc Disease (Kinda scary until the doc assured me it was just arthritis of the spinal column). I'll be on all night as I am trying to catch up on some work.

Also, some point tonight I will post more of the Prius story.